Giving kids the gift of food and body shush

Ah, doesn't diet culture love an extended family catch-up over food? And when children are present, little ears are listening and little eyes are watching. It would not be unusual to be concerned about youngsters internalising unhelpful ideas from adults who may not realise that kids pick up on ev-er-y-thing, including attitudes about food and bodies. It can also be said that some children carry strong memories of particular conversations with them over many years, having deep and long-lasting impacts on mental health and wellbeing. Perhaps you even have some of these memories yourself which underscores the idea that we say and do absolutely matters.

It might not be us. It might be a well-meaning extended family member, or someone who we literally see once a year who we're not even close with. But comments stick. It's not always easy to manage what is said by others - setting firm boundaries can feel really difficult - and being clear about what is ok to talk about, and not, in front of kids can include the topics of unnecessary chat about food, eating and bodies.

Body-based greetings:

It's completely understandable that we greet people starting with their appearance - we mean well & this is how we've been socialised. AND we can't ignore that it sends strong messages to younger people about "how to greet people." Do we see younger kids doing it? Nope. And let's leave it like that as long as possible.

What to do/say instead:

There are a million other more interesting and kind ways to greet & speak with people that have nothing to do with appearance. One question I am often asked if when others - sometimes grandparents or families-in-law - comment on us, or our child's appearance. Comparisons are often the worst, particularly from sibling to sibling, or cousin to cousin (my clients tell me ALL THE TIME that this deeply impacted them as children so please try not to do this). If it's your in-laws, you might think about putting your partner to work in having the conversation with their family, awkward as that may be. Asking people ahead of time stops those heart-in-the-mouth moments where we might find ourselves either been too syrupy-sweet or a little too harsh. And let's just start with ourselves. Notice the urge to comment - on yourself or others. And either spread the shush, or consider what else to say....

And as for food? Please can we just enjoy it, and make our own choices rather than labelling it. Someone at the table will be thankful.

Originally posted on Instagram Dec 2020